


Trout Heart Replica

by brett (orphan_account)



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, Caroline plots and plans, F/M, Female Friendship, Gen, Redeemed Caroline, Takes place after the series ends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-23 07:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/brett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...she was feeling restless and empty again. She had smiled in photos for far too long now. She had caught the bouquet at Bing’s wedding and she had laughed graciously and now she felt like all the fakeness inside her would burst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

  
_"Can I knock you unconscious as long as I promise_   
_I'll love you and I'll make you laugh?_   
_Now my heart is exactly the size_   
_Of a six-sided die cut in half_   
_Made of ruby red stained glass_   
_Can I knock you unconscious as long as I promise_   
_I'll love you and I'll make you laugh?"_   


  
_\--_ "Trout Heart Replica," Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra

 

Once there was a girl named Caroline.

She was named after the grassy hills in the north where her mother has grown up. As a child she imagined this state as a mystical fairy place and then, at twelve passed through it and was disappointed. It was all strip malls and empty beer cans and that was when Caroline began to see that she could not trust her parents.

At seventeen Caroline was voted senior class president. She had a button nose and soft chestnut skin. Her hair was dark, silky and came to her collarbones. She had a boyfriend named Tom and he would pry her with cheap wine until she let him touch her breasts. So far her life had been a series of happy nothings, predictable plotlines with even more predictable resolutions. She was warm and easy.

She had won her presidency on a platform of consistency. The school was as okay as one could expect high school to be. With the tuition their parents payed, why mess around?

There were stirrings though, even then. Caroline ran over Lucy Steele’s foot on her bicycle. Lucy, wearing ratty designer knock-offs and chewing noisily, had implied that Caroline was destined to be Tom’s trophy wife.

“I mean, it’s not like _you_ can be a doctor _too,_ ” Lucy had drawled.

Lucy limped for a week.

“You’re so wonderful at dancing. Maybe you could teach at the studio after you graduate,” Caroline’s stepmother said. Caroline smiled and said that she intended to give up ballet in college anyway and later accidently smashed all the wedding china.

Graduation came and Caroline gave a speech that everyone appreciated and congratulated her on. It was concise, witty and moral.

That night, after her party, Caroline stole her brother’s zippo as he snored in a puddle of beer and destroyed the speech notes.

College came. A flurry of gen-eds and perfect grades and still she was introduced at parties as Bing’s little sister.

“Bing’s like, _so_ fun,” Louisa Musgrove told Caroline once. “You’re so lucky to have him for a brother.”

“He’s lucky to have me for a sister,” Caroline replied. I suppose that’s when she became truly angry.

Four years went by quickly. There were memories that stood out brightly. Tom crying when she said she never loved him. Making Dean’s List for the first time. Declaring herself a philosophy major and seeing Bing gape. Her father announcing his second divorce over dinner.

There was a party. There was always a party. Everyone wanted Bing and his beautiful younger sister to come along.

“I’m applying to law schools,” Caroline told a group of awestruck freshman.

“Why would you want to do that? You’re an heiress,” said one.

“Why _wouldn’t_ you want to be a lawyer? You are an heiress,” William Darcy said. They met each other’s eyes and Caroline let herself smile. She was furious.

And then the rejections came and she had cried out of humiliation and mostly wrath.

“Who cares about Yale?” Darcy said. He was sitting cross-legged on her floor and she could smell his aftershave. “You’re an heiress.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being facetious or an asshole,” Caroline said.

“You can live with me as long as you like,” her mother said.

“I can’t tell if you’re being facetious or just stupid,” Caroline said.

It all ran together, the hazy bits and the shining bits. There was the time before eighteen when she was held together with scotch tape and pink lipstick and the time afterwards when everything fell apart and spilled out onto the floor. There was college, a blob of fury and work and drugs. And then there was the after.

“You’re twenty-two. You failed to get into law school and your degree is worthless for anything else. Maybe you should have tried something easier,” her father said and his new wife nodded vigorously. Caroline screamed and threw her papers around and smashed an antique clock and didn’t leave her room for two days. She came out facing an anxious Bing and five missed calls from Darcy.

“What were you doing in there?” Bing asked. Bing always _asked_. “I was worried.”

“I was writing up a resume,” Caroline said.

And then, a month later there was an offer. She could file papers. She could sit in a cubicle and arrange folders. She could earn barely enough to live on.

Work was terrible but afterwards, Darcy would pick her up in his Mercedes and they would get strong coffee and make fun of her boss and the secretary and her cubicle neighbor and she would laugh until tears ran down her face. Sometimes they kissed and sometimes they fucked and sometimes she found herself sobbing into his chest and she didn’t know why.

Darcy brought flowers to his parents’ graves every Saturday. Sometimes Caroline came with a bouquet of roses.

So work was bad and home was worse but Caroline had an income that bought her some new shoes if nothing else and she had Darcy.

“Are you two together?” Bing asked once.

“We aren’t not together,” Caroline answered. She saw other people. Tom came over sometimes. Sometimes it was Edmund.

And then, when her boss was making her sick to her stomach and everyone in L.A. was thinner than her and her father threatened to take away her allowance, Darcy was there with a black coffee and a smirk.

And then he wasn’t.

It happened so quickly that Caroline wasn’t sure how it happened at all. He was at once warm and cold, here and there and then he wasn’t at all. She had her own house and she was promoted and Darcy’s shyness had brought him into her arms again and again and then there was another woman and some sisters and Bing was in love and she was on the Internet. It was terrifying and fast and Caroline only realized that things had changed forever when Bing was married and Jane was pregnant and they were intertwined forever.

There was so slipping away.

“You’re not breaking up with her, are you?” Caroline asked Darcy. He was so cold lately. No more coffee, only being the third wheel at frozen yoghurt shops.

Darcy frowned and the crease between his brows deepened. “No,” he said. “I don’t think Lizzie and I are going to break-up.”

“So I’m stuck with the Bennets?” Caroline asked and she felt like she was drowning. Darcy didn’t answer because Lizzie had texted him and as he responded he smiled. He only ever smirked for Caroline.

One day, right before the baby was going to be born, Caroline decided to bring a bouquet of red roses to the Darcy plot. She hadn’t in years and she was feeling restless and empty again. She had smiled in photos for too long. She had caught the bouquet at Bing’s wedding and she had laughed graciously and now she felt like all the fakeness inside her would burst.

She walked up the path, past the headstones of people unluckier than her. She supposed one day she’d be dead.

CAROLINE LOUISA LEE. SHE WANTED TO BE A LAWYER BUT SHE FUCKED UP.

She’d have to have it carved on her tombstone.

She found the plot. There were daisies from Gigi. Gigi never called anymore. Hyacinths from Darcy. Some lilies she didn’t know from whom.

She had fallen out of her own story. That was it. That was the pulse of it all. She was born second, born female, born to teach dance classes and smile for photos.

Caroline screamed.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was nothing more awful than the thought of brunch with the entire Bennet clan. And her mother would be there. And Bing’s adorable spawn. And Darcy. Just imagining William’s smug face, his arm around the perpetually cheerful Lizzie made Caroline want to crawl back into bed and fall asleep against Edmund Betram’s drooling face. But there was nothing to be done. The entire party would hate her and would expect her to cancel. There was nothing to do but put on her new dress and fix her hair and pretend not to be hung-over.
> 
> God, if they hated her, all she had to do was make them hate her more.

Caroline Lee woke up, head throbbing painfully, entangled in hairy limbs.

“Edmund, go home,” she muttered to the lifeless form sprawled on her mattress. There was no response, only a particularly loud snore that aggravated Caroline’s headache. She got up and surveyed the room. Messy sheets, empty beer cans scattered about. This was why she had gotten her own apartment. With a wicked smile she thought about what Bing would say if he could see her.

The air was stale and smelled like sweat and Caroline hurried to the adjoining bathroom. It was somewhat clean, stuffed with clothes she had tried on and decided not to wear and the sink was stained black from her home dye kit.

Grabbing a towel that smelt somewhat clean, Caroline turned on the shower and sighed. So this was her adulthood. She’d always imagined herself living in a penthouse apartment with a maid to clean up after her. She’d be a high-powered lawyer who wore sexy pantsuits and had cocktail parties. Now what was she? Her job title was so obscure and inane she tried to forget it most of the time and her apartment, while larger than what the average twenty-three year old expected, was messy and cramped. Bing had used his trust fund to buy a house. Caroline bought shoes and lattes.

Caroline let herself fall under the hot water, the ache in her bones calming. She felt terribly thirsty. She shouldn’t have let Edmund bring over so much beer. She shouldn’t really entertain Edmund at all. I mean, Jesus, she dated his handsomer brother all through high school and Tom was still good for a quick fuck. She didn’t particularly like either of the Bertram boys. They annoyed her to no end.

Dripping and toweled, Caroline walked into the kitchen. She hated cooking. She had tried and failed at domesticity. She couldn’t be a career woman and she couldn’t be a trophy wife. Isn’t it funny?

The remains of the previous night’s Chinese food were heaped next to the sink and the smell made her feel nauseous. Her phone was ringing. Wincing, Caroline picked up.

“Brunch. Today. Did you forget?” Bing’s voice was full of barely hidden disgust. In person he barely met her eyes. It was just another friendly reminder that she was a heinous bitch. As if she could forget.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Caroline said and hung up. She probably had selective memory. There was nothing more awful than the thought of brunch with the entire Bennet clan. And her mother would be there. And Bing’s adorable spawn. And Darcy. Just imagining William’s smug face, his arm around the perpetually cheerful Lizzie made Caroline want to crawl back into bed and fall asleep against Edmund Betram’s drooling face. But there was nothing to be done. The entire party would hate her and would expect her to cancel. There was nothing to do but put on her new dress and fix her hair and pretend not to be hung-over.

God, if they hated her, all she had to do was make them hate her more.

Feeling vaguely energized, Caroline ran to her closet and pulled out a new dress. It was green and A-line and if there was any justice in the world, Jane Bennet ( _No, Lee_ ) would still be fat. After checking to make sure that Edmund was still breathing, Caroline applied a layer of red lipstick and grabbed her purse. If she walked quickly, she would be there on time.

The air outside was warm and Caroline found herself enjoying her walk. She loved L.A. She just wished her family didn’t insist on loving it too. The restaurant had outside tables and before she could see the party, she could hear them. Loud, raucous. Mrs. Bennet’s screeching laughter. A crying baby. A girlish giggle. And then she rounded the corner and there they were.

Caroline’s mother, looking thirty at most and holding the hand of a stranger. A new boyfriend? Then there were The Bennets. Lizzie, laughing with Darcy. Lydia, looking pale but smiling. Some bearded man she’d never seen before but hated already. And then. Bing and Jane. Jane looking fresh and warm and carrying a gurgling pile.

Caroline forced her face into a smile though everything inside her longed to scream and throw the cutlery everywhere. The introductions next. Yes, yes, how are you? We met at the wedding. Nice to meet you.

Two good things came out of brunch: She  _accidently_ knocked over Lizzie Bennet's pancakes, dripping with syrup so they fell all over Darcy's crotch. She also got Ricky Collins's number.


End file.
